Throughout the different relationships in my life I’ve come to the conclusion that unless you are dating/seeing/fucking one of those hipsters that tries to go against the grain of the normal cultural chickisms, you are indeed doomed to celebrate a holiday that was created by a company to promote and make a profit for their own selfish gains. These money hungry cunts put zero thought into the millions of men who dread the thought of having to do something on this specific day that they would/should be doing anyway. So for those guys here are the top 10 tactical approaches on getting out of this unlawful and degrading day:
- The sick family member.
This is probably the easiest/riskiest move to use. Come up with a debilitating illness that your great grandmother unfortunately contracted on this day designed by Lucifer.
PRO: The thought of you having to tend to your wrinkly dinosaur of a relative will get you off the jagged hook of love and give you the fast pass down video game lane.
CON: There is no real con here. The only thing you may want to consider is steering clear of grandma for a while. If the girlfriend catches grandma at her Thursday Jazzercise class after such a horrific ailment she might catch on… then again my grandmother is a fucking soldier.
- Working overtime.
This is a universal excuse which can be used for almost anything. If you are unemployed please disregard this and skip to #3, also get a job you lazy slob. If you are currently shacking up with a sane, level-headed person they should have no rebuttal when it comes to the advancement of your career. If they complain about the source of income that pays for her fancy Jeffrey Camble’s you recently dumped half your paycheck on… jump ship and GTFO.
PRO: You get paid time + 1/2.
CON: You spend that extra money on a ridiculously overpriced valor jump suit from Victoria’s Secret.
- I Don’t Celebrate Hallmark Holidays.
This one is very iffy and must be used at your own discretion. You can use this one even if you don’t give 2 shits about companies profiting off others emotions. The girl must be incredibly supportive of all the major decisions you make in your life.
PRO: You have a supportive love buddy.
CON: She’s probably complicated and most likely wears prescription frame glasses without the prescription lenses.
- Set the Bar Low.
This is a slow play tactic, so if you are looking for an all-in type of dodge this one’s not for you. This has to be done the first time you spend V-Day together for it to work. First, start the day by making the mistake(not really a mistake) of all mistakes… ignore her until she calls/acknowledges you. This will prove to her that you have give absolutely zero fucks about this day. Drive the point home by not even saying hello when she does finally decide she needs attention. A simple head nod or grunt will do. The next step is to buy her shit that she doesn’t like. Fuck up on purpose, examples: buying her the wrong type of flowers. You know the one’s that she absolutely adores.. the one she obsesses over because she saw some cunt on Desperate Housewives of Who Gives a Fuck receive them from some Beta male. Buy her dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate.. you get the point. By doing this you will make this day unforgettable, but not the way she wants it to be.
PRO: By setting low standards the first time around, every following Valentines day will be a breeze. Repeat this process until she doesn’t even want to talk about 2/14 ever again.
CON: The rest of the month you might be sharing the couch with your teacup Chihuahua.
- Start a Fight.
This ladies and gents is the Holy Grail of dodges. Only the most skilled sociopaths can pull off a move like this. Girls have mastered this technique for centuries and have used it in many instances to avoid situations. Make up a reason no matter how fucking lame it is and stick to your guns. Do not let up until the day has turned to dusk. At this time you must flip it on it’s head. Tell her that you have made a silly mistake, that you were the one in the wrong and you realize that now. She’ll forgive you for this catastrophic error since it is a Holy Day. The dumber the reason for the fight the better this will work out in the end. It’s time to turn the tables, as a great man once said:
“You are brain ninjas. And you know how to get in there with your Katana, cut us and disappear into the night.”
This might sound like a bad idea but if you are in need of a way out of the day we do not speak of, this is the last resort.
PRO: You get to catch up on the past season of Sons of Anarchy.
CON: You run the risk of getting your bollocks chopped off and preserved in a decorative mason jar on top of her fridge.
At the end of the day Valentines day is a nice thought. In reality you really shouldn’t need a corporation to tell you what day to be extra super special to your counterpart. If you think buying flowers, writing a sappy poem expressing how much you deeply desire the very thought of her or planning a picnic in the middle of an enchanted forest shows how much you appreciate someone.. you need to light yourself on fire. It’s the little, day-to-day things that shouldn’t be overlooked. Not a day that involves spending money to show how much you enjoy each others presence.