So after nearly a year long hiatus, I finally returned to the gym. It made me realize that the gym is sort of like its own little universe. Everything seems to run smoothly and people all notice the same things, but they never speak of them. Once you go to the gym regularly, you start to expect to see the same faces. And you may not notice this, but you secretly give little nicknames to some of them.
For instance, there’s always that really old lady who wears that tight leopard-print spandex and she seems to only want to use that thigh machine that makes her repeatedly spread her legs. I don’t know if I’m just immature, but I don’t know how to behave myself while someone’s on that thing. It’s really the only machine in the gym where eye contact should be absolutely forbidden while using. As much as I can’t stand to look at her, she has entertainment value that just never gets old. I call her ‘Inappropriate Spandex Lady’.
Then there are those people you see everyday, but only on the treadmill. They never use or even look at any other machine. Just… the treadmill. For the price of the sign-up fee alone they could’ve bought a single treadmill for their own personal use at home. I’m not sure what’s going on in their logic, but until they change their ways they will be forever labeled as ‘Total Waste of Gym Membership’.
Then there’s the guy who carries a notebook and pencil with him everywhere. I have never looked inside that notebook. I assume it has something to do with how many reps he accomplished, how many sets he did, and maybe even what song was playing on his iPod that’s handsomely strapped to his bicep. Who really knows? I never dared to ask what’s inside of his sacred notebook. I simply call him ‘Notebook Guy’.
Then there’s the guy who’s using a machine and when you walk up to him to ask if he’s almost done, he immediately gets up for you to use it. The first time this happens you’re like, “Wow, that was really good timing!”. But after it happens every single time you begin to wonder… is this guy really working out? Or just pretending to? I call him ‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?’.
Finally, there’s the guy you see when you walk in and hes doing leg raises for his abs. Then a minute later you see him benching one time. Then after that you’ll see him doing squats. And right after that you see him doing skullcrushers. At one point you swear you saw him using that machine that ‘Old Spandex Lady’ just used. PICK SOMETHING!! ANYTHING! I call him ‘A.D.D’.
Also, I’ve concluded that the gym is the only place where a man is allowed to check out another man in a completely hetero way. But the same rule applies here as it does for when guys check out girls in that you must NEVER be caught in the act. If you do, it just feeds their ego. It’s a constant battle of will they/wont they catch me staring at their chest.
I have fallen into this next category several times when I would go to the gym by myself without my own music. I would get stuck having to listen to possibly THE worst work out tunes that are played by the gym on their speakers. I would literally sit on the bench, space out, and be listening to Sixpence None the Richer – Kiss Me. All while in a room of large scary men. If you don’t know that song, here you go: